I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
