He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
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