oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
