I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
