You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
