The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
