haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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