There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
