oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
false alarm. still invincible.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
