There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
my liver is dry heaving
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
