My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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