if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
