So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
