The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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