he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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