just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
