I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
