I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
