Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
