she looked like the before picture.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
