I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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