but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This baby is an asshole
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
