Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
