If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
