I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
