Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
