I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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