You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Boobs are out for the taking
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
