Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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