I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
