if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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