If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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