Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I stole a fireplace last night.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
