Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
