nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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