its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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