I think my fart just growled at me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
