i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
