Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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