while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
