He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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