I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
