even my farts smell like vagina
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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