when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
