yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
