i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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