So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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