feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
