Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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