i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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