Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
