this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
