Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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