I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
